the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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