some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
