I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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