Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
