Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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