Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
