a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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