he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
