i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
