when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
