I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
