i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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