Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
