who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
God, I missed his penis.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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