Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
