i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
