i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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