Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
