Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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