i love accidental penises.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
