oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
