3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
