new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
