I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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