Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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