He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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