Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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