i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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