Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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