last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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