i permit you to call me
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
