porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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