I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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