Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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