Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
from now on my penis is your penis
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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