It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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