I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
