I wish I could teleport
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
