last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Actions speak louder than pants.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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