My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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