I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
