The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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