Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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Then again, he has huge mansions.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?