I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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