The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
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