I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
