the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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