I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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