My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
