YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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