we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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