when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
