dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
