Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
