I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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