2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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