do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
