"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
