I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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